


every time i look for you the sun goes down

by cluffords



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, idk if thats a trigger for anybody ???, idk if this counts as triggering but luke kind of has a moment where he wants to fall off a roof, like kind of suicidal attempt??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 12:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3728770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cluffords/pseuds/cluffords
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke's chest started to ache as he watched Ashton's mess of honey curls disappear from his vision. He felt a weight pressing against him, keeping his chest from expanding completely. He struggled to take a deep breath. Desperately, he needed air; he needed to get out of there.</p><p>or, 5sos goes to a party but luke has a panic/anxiety attack so ashton has to comfort him</p>
            </blockquote>





	every time i look for you the sun goes down

**Author's Note:**

> so, haha, i haven't written anything in like aaages haha. this one has actually been done for a while but i wanted to change a bunch of stuff when i went to reedit it, so it might be a little jumbled at parts.
> 
> also im working on a super long hs au that is taking over my life so that should be coming soon yay//
> 
> uhm title is from every time i look for you by blink-182 :))
> 
> hope you guys enjoy it :)))

The morning started off bad, continued to get worse, and finally ended with an even more miserable afternoon only to transition into an agonizing announcement in the evening.

Luke had been laying on the couch, staring at the blank ceiling, similar to what he’d spent the last 8 hours doing, when Michael walked over to him and sat across his stomach. “Party at 10. Get ready.”

“I don’t wanna go.” Luke could hear the whining sound in his voice, but he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was mope around for the rest of the night, wallowing in his numbness. Maybe playing the pouty kid card would win with Michael.

“I don’t care. You’re coming with us.” He rolled off of Luke and left him on the couch, once again alone.

So maybe that card wouldn’t work with Michael this time.

When 9:30 rolled around, Luke was in the same position as earlier. Michael had walked in and, after failing multiple times to jostle Luke into getting off the couch, quickly walked back out. Luke overheard Michael speaking low with somebody before more footsteps made their way to him. 

“What’s going on?” an all too-familiar voice spoke as the owner sat on the ground in front of the couch, his back to Luke’s face. Trying to peer through the mass of honey curls to see those hazel eyes he loved so much, Luke resisted the urge to reach out for Ashton.

“Nothin’ much,” Luke replied, quietly trying to sound casual despite his quickening heartbeat.

Ashton turned his head slightly to look at Luke over his shoulder. “That’s obviously a lie, so why don’t you just tell me the truth?”

Breathing in enough oxygen to clear his head for the journey, Luke crawled off the couch and landed next to Ashton, who automatically wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Luke rested his head against the older boy’s shoulder and closed his eyes tightly for a moment before saying, “I’m so tired, Ash.”

“You haven’t moved from the couch all day, Luke,” Ashton reminded him gently.

“That’s not what I mean.” His voice sounded tired even to him; surely the others had noticed the growing eye bags and his lessening appetite for a 5th meal. Everyday lately, it had seemed like, despite the fact that Luke was actually getting more and more sleep, he was increasingly tired and suffering from a major decrease in energy. No matter how much time Luke spent with his eyes closed, he’d just want to spend the remaining time with his eyes open sleeping.

Ashton had noticed Luke’s change in behaviour; of course he had. But up until now, he hadn’t said anything about it. “I know you’re tired, Lukey. I know it’s stressful and all you want to do sometimes is just quit and go back to a normal life. I know it’s so much easier to do that. But you can’t, you understand. You have to keep it up. For the fans. For the family.” Ashton’s arm moved subtly from around Luke’s shoulders to around his waist, which he squeezed tightly. “For me, Luke. You just have to.” After a silent minute, Ashton’s hand uncurled itself from Luke’s waist and he stood. Looking down at Luke, he said, “We’re leaving in a few minutes. You should go with us.” Luke looked away and listened as the soft footsteps receded.

So, Luke wasn’t quite ready to pitch himself off a cliff, but he still did not want to go to the party.

The first thought that went through his mind when the four of them entered the apartment was that too many people were packed in too small of an area. Everyone was pressed together in a tight box, right up to the walls. Most of them had red plastic cups in their hands and, judging by the smell of the place, were already extremely drunk. Girls were wearing far too revealing clothing. Boys were dancing too aggressively with girls. Couples were completely unaware of the term ‘pda’, some even beginning to strip in the corners.. Most of the people were quite a ways underage, around 17 or 18, but nobody seemed to care that they were drinking alcohol.

About five feet in front of the front door was where the wall of people started. Michael was the first one to venture in, joining right along with the vigorous grinders. Luke watched as Michael leaned into the ear of a girl and then she was quickly pulling him away into the mass. They would probably be carrying him unconsciously out the door later; he was always the one to let himself go too far and get completely shit-faced during parties. 

Calum was desperately trying to pierce the crowd and finally managed to squeeze in between two girls getting too friendly together. One of them grabbed Calum by the arm and positioned him between them. The three of them grinded along with the loud music, completely oblivious to the other people around them. Calum looked over at Luke and there was a smile plastered on his face as he gave him a thumbs up before getting swallowed by the crowd.

Ashton was the next to leave the safety of the doorway. He didn't need to push himself past people to penetrate the crowd; when they saw him, they stepped back and cleared a path. Regally, he walked down the opening gap, letting it close behind him. Luke could picture all the girls trying to reach out for him, but Ashton would only smile back, not a care in the world, and they would stare at him in awe. He was like royalty: too pretty to touch, only allowed to look at.

Luke's chest started to ache as he watched Ashton's mess of honey curls disappear from his vision. He felt a weight pressing against him, keeping his chest from expanding completely. He struggled to take a deep breath. Desperately, he needed air; he needed to get out of there. 

Pressing a hand to his chest, Luke stepped back out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. He turned in a slow circle, trying to get his bearings. Luke ran his hands through his hair, a nervous habit, and crouched down. "Calm down," he whispered to himself quietly. "Calm the fuck down." He stood up too quickly and had to lean on the wall while his vision went to black and then returned. Luke searched the hallway frantically, but he didn't know what he was looking for. He just need to breathe.

A sign at the end of the hallway said, "Roof Access" with an arrow pointing to the stairs, which he ran to and stared up the dark stairwell. _Why am I freaking out like this? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get through a simple party without doing this shit?_ He took the stairs three at a time, thankful for once to have long-ass legs. Before he could even think about breathing again, he was pushing open another door at the top of the stairs.

The cool October air swallowed Luke whole, transporting him to a place outside his normal life. He was trying to absorb all the air through every pore in his skin. The moon blazed high in the dark sky, but not a single star could be seen through the hazy glare from the city lights. It was like an orange fog was rolling in from the ocean, covering every surface.

Silently, he stepped towards the edge of the building. A little ledge protruded a foot above the rest of the roof, which Luke stepped up on. Looking over, he saw an empty alley street, decorated with trash laying around and a few cardboard pieces designed to be a home. Luke could see it all: beer cans, broken bottles, moldy blankets, other useless items. The temptation was growing and growing, and he felt like he was one step away from ending it all-all the stress, all the anxiety, all the pressure, all the insecurity, all the angst, all the hopelessness.

"Luke?" a familiar voice, laced with worry, asked quietly from behind him. Luke’s shoulders tensed, but he continued to stare at the ground below him for a minute before finally turning to see Ashton standing by the roof access door with a concerned look on his face. Luke faced the empty alley again, not answering. "Luke." More forcefully this time. Luke crouched down and leaned over the edge dangerously far. His vision tunneled for a second, his balance faltering slightly. A warm hand grabbed Luke's upper arm and yanked him back. Luke stumbled, trying to stay on his feet as Ashton dragged him away from the building’s edge and stood him up. Luke noticed that Ashton’s cheeks were tinged pink like they always did after he'd been drinking, but his eyes still held an intensity behind the hazel irises and perpetually purple bags. Before he could say anything, Ashton was pressing him to his own body, burying Luke's face in the soft fabric of his worn and faded Green Day tank top. Warmth spread through Luke in all the places that were directly touching Ashton.

"What were you doing, Lukey?" Ashton whispered, still holding on to him tightly. Luke squirmed in his arms, but Ashton wouldn't let up. "Luke," he repeated when he hadn't answered.

Finally, Luke wiggled out of Ashton's grip, but the older boy grabbed his arm to keep him close. "What? What does it matter? I just wanted some fresh air." Luke tried to yank his arm free while also struggling to keep his voice from betraying him.

Ashton let go of his arm, and Luke took a step away. Ashton’s eyes penetrated Luke, trying to strip away layer after layer of the younger boy. "What happened? I saw you in there one second, and then you were gone the next."

Luke looked away from Ashton's glare. It was impossible to look Ashton in the eye and straight up lie to him. "Nothing happened. I was dancing. I got really hot. I left. That's it." He could hear the lie as it came out of his mouth, and he knew Ashton could too. He didn’t have to be looking at Ashton to expose the guilt; it was part of his voice now.

There was silence between them for a minute, and Luke felt like he was standing next to a bomb, waiting for an explosion. Only he couldn't figure out if he or Ashton was the bomb. Either way, he knew he wouldn't be able to run away and escape before it went off. He could only run away for so long, and it looked like Ashton was determined to break him of his flight instinct right then and there.

Luke flicked his eyes up at Ashton for a second and saw that the older boy was watching him. He quickly averted his eyes again, only looking back up when he saw movement out of the corner of his eyes. He watched as Ashton walked over to the ledge Luke had been standing on a moment earlier, sat down, and rubbed his face. He looked years older for a split second, and Luke couldn’t look away from him. It was as if Ashton’s normal personality had crumbled in an instant and left Ashton exposed, raw. Luke wasn't sure what this side of Ashton would be like; he was so complicated sometimes. Luke was tempted to sit and comfort Ashton, but the former didn’t know what was bothering the latter. Choosing to be more cautious than reckless, Luke took a step towards Ashton but left a decent amount of space between them.

"You wanna know how I know you're lying?" Ashton asked, looking up again. Luke held his eyes for a second before turning away. Without waiting for an answer, Ashton went on. "It's because I know you, idiot. I know you probably better than you know yourself. You run your hands through your hair when you lie." Luke's trembling hands were already raised to touch his hair.”Your feet do this awkward little thing where they fold over each other when all you want to do is run away.” Luke untwisted his feet and set them both flat. "You bite your lip when you don't want to tell somebody something." Luke let go of his lip. "And when you've been dancing at a party, there is always this scared look in your eyes." Luke looked at the ground. "It's not there right now." Ashton paused and reached out for Luke, who couldn't help himself. Luke reached Ashton in two steps and was kneeling in front of Ashton, his cheek pressed to Ashton's warm hand. Ashton cupped Luke's cold face for a moment before pulling him up next to him on the overlook. Luke felt himself quickly falling apart, and he was folded into Ashton's arm in an instant. He pressed his face into Ashton's warm chest, seeking comfort.

"I _know_ you, Luke. Don't lie to me." Ashton's voice was raw and cut right into Luke.

Luke tried to take a breath, but it turned into a sob. Before he could form another thought, he pulled back and pressed his lips to Ashton's. For a second, Ashton hesitated, but then he was returning the kiss, intense and hungry. Luke's whole body spun out of control, sucked up and dropped off somewhere he didn't know. He might have started the kiss, but Ashton was the one in control now. Luke was the less experienced one in this area, and they both knew it. Luke didn't care; he didn't care about anything while his lips were touching Ashton.

Luke had kissed a few girls before, but kissing Ashton was a completely new experience. He was pretty sure he got a close as possible to that "fireworks moment.” Luke tasted a weird mix of beer and sweat on Ashton's lips, but it was sweet and made Luke's stomach clench with pressure. They'd only been kissing for a few seconds, but it felt like years to Luke. He felt a tongue desperately trying to make its way into his mouth, which Luke felt was only right to part his lips to let Ashton in. A muffled moan spread through Luke as a sense of intoxication rushed over him, making his senses practically explode as he and Ashton explored each other’s mouths. Feeling himself losing control, Luke curled one hand over Ashton’s shoulder, making the latter wince slightly as Luke’s fingernails dug into the tan skin exposed by his tank top. He’d meant to place his free hand against the hard cement of the ledge they were still sitting on, but he had missed by a considerable distance and now his hand was pressed against Ashton’s thigh. After a second, Luke felt two warm hands cover his neck, one moving north into his gelled hair, the other wrapping around the nape of his neck to pull Luke closer. Ashton was humming as he intensified the kissing and the vibration smothered all other feelings. Luke was a mess at this point, barely able to keep the embarrassing moans and whimpers at bay.

He was spinning out of control. His world was collapsing right in front of him. Any moment he was going to wake up and find himself tumbling over the edge of a cliff.

But all Luke could think about was _AshtonAshtonAshton_.

A millennium could have passed before Ashton pulled away, one final moan escaping his lips. His fingertips hovered over Luke's neck, his breath warming the latter’s cheek. Luke continued to close his eyes and laid his hands over top of Ashton's on his neck.

"Shit," Luke murmured after the silence had gone on for a minute. "Shit shit _shitshitshitshit_." Luke let go of Ashton's hands and abruptly stood up, stepping back a few steps.

"Wha-" Ashton tried to reach out for Luke, but the younger boy kept backing away from him.

"Fuck," Luke interrupted. "I'm fucking- Shit. I don't know what fucking happened. This is my fucking fault. It's always my fault. Everything, every time. I ruin everything. Every. Single. _Fucking_. Thing. This time I can't-"

Ashton stood and reached out for Luke again. He had never seen Luke's eyes so wild and panicky before. Luke flinched away from Ashton's touch. "Luke, just-"

" _No!_ ” Luke covered his face with his hands, turning away from Ashton. “This is my fucking fault. I fucked this up. I fucked this up real bad. I can't undo this. I can't forget this. You won't forget this. Why couldn't I have just been-"

" _Luke, shut the fuck up!_ " Ashton took a deep breath and calmed himself. Luke was staring at him, having whirled around when Ashton’s voice rose. "You didn't fuck anything up, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. It was a kiss. I kissed you back. Why would I do that if I thought what you were doing was wrong?"

"I don't-I didn't think-" Luke kept looking around, not being able to focus on a single thing, especially not Ashton. He didn’t trust himself at this point to look at Ashton.

Ashton stood and walked right up to Luke. He put his finger under the younger boy's chin and made his eyes focus on him. "Why does it matter?"

"I-I don't know anything," Luke whispered, his voice harsh and low, his eyes averted.

“You’re scared,” Ashton commented quietly. Luke nodded softly after hesitating. “It’s okay to be scared, Luke. But you don’t have to run away all the time. I can help-all three of us can help you. You aren’t afraid of me, right? Or Mikey and Cal?”

Luke’s eyes flickered up to Ashton’s as he shook his head to the side. “But what if-”

Ashton silenced him, touching his lips to the younger boy’s trembling ones lightly. “Don’t worry about anything, okay? Okay, Lukey?”

Luke only wanted to curl up in a ball and be held in Ashton’s warm and understanding arms. Here was this boy, the boy that usually occupied Luke’s thoughts day and night, pouring his heart out.

And Luke had absolutely nothing to say in response. Whatever words he wanted to say were stuck under a sob in his throat and when he opened his mouth to express to Ashton how much he loved him, a strangled sound left his lips. His knees gave out and then Ashton was supporting all of his weight, keeping him from spilling to the ground. Burying his face into Ashton's warm shirt, Luke tried to keep the tears away as he was pulled down to the floor. 

When he opened his eyes again, he was sprawled across Ashton's lap and the latter's shirt was dotted with wet spots from Luke’s tears. Ashton pulled Luke's head back to his chest, alternating between softly pulling at the short hairs on the nape of his neck and rubbing his nose against Luke's collarbone.

Luke sniffled, trying to get a grip on the situation. "I'm-I'm sorry. I don't mean to-to fall apart like this," he whispered into Ashton's chest.

For a long time, Ashton didn't say anything; he just continued to hold Luke, letting him share his body heat. "Luke," he whispered in his ear, barely audible. "Oh, Luke." His voice sounded so sad, it nearly shattered Luke.

"What, Ashton? What is it?"

His breath tickled Luke's ear when Ashton let out a deep breath. "I'll take care of you, Lukey. I won't let anything happen to you. Promise you'll let me take care of you."

"I trust you, Ashton. I know you'll take good care of me. Of course I'd let you."

"Promise, Luke. _Promise me_."

"I promise, Ash."

Ashton relaxed after the breath Luke had been holding was let out, his shoulders slouching to encase the younger boy. It wasn't long before Luke's breathing evened and his eyes slid close with exhaustion.

It was at least another hour before the two of them would move from the roof, and only then so they could get out of the quickly falling rain.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to leave kudos or comment or that stuff :)) or check me out on tumblr [ here ](http://michayelclifford.tumblr.com) :)))


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